5dpt

So here we are sitting on the couch - DH has an infection in his leg due to a gnat bite and I am feeling bloated and irritated. We are sights to be seen! Since the transfer, I have felt a little crampy and bloated. Usually when I eat, I am in the bathroom right away due to my angry bowels. I haven't had any of that going on this week even after eating out with greasy foods and mexican food! Weird! I am continuing the Vivelle Dots every 3rd day as well as Crinone Gel twice a day. Our BPT isn't until Tuesday the 21st so we aren't even a week into the 2ww period. ugh. Yesterday morning on the way to work I was feeling really nauseated and needed to eat as soon as I got there. I was hopeful that was a good sign. At this point I think I am searching for pregnancy signs and symptoms and will probably continue to do so throughout the 2ww. From all the other blogs I have read, I believe I have joined the club on that note! All of these hormones are making me easily irritated. The littlest things get under my skin lately - meaning today. I don't know if it truly is hormones or maybe the crappy sleep that I have been getting at night. Who knows but I don't like it and I don't want to be biting people's heads off either. Maybe I will take a quick nap...

2 Survived

The ER told us he had good news when we came in this morning. Much to our anticipation we were thinking all 4 embryos survived but he told us only 2 survived the thaw process. One of them had cleaved into a 9 cell already which was excellent and another was a 7 cell that was super hydrated which he said was good. We proceeded with transferring the 2 we had and hope that something happens this time. When I came out of the restroom, I saw the incubator wheeled into the hallway outside our room with a tiny petri dish under a microscope. Doug and I got to look at our little embryos in the incubator and it was simply fascinating. We saw the blastocysts, cells divided and all. It was the coolest thing to see because we are so used to just seeing images on the internet. These were actually our "babies". The procedure lasted about 5 minutes and it was done. The valium put me out pretty quickly so I slept during my recovery hour and then went home to start my 48 hours of bedrest. I am still using Crinone (progesterone) twice a day and then Vivelle estrogen patches - 4 at a time. Besides those 2 things, we just wait now until the 21st when we have our BPT. Staying positive and not obsessing this time.....maybe that will be better for my body. The kids are super excited so I would hate to deliver bad news again. We'll see in a couple weeks. What I am hoping is that this time I start to feel pregnant or that something is happening. I don't care if it is tiredness, nausea or whatever since the first cycle I didn't feel anything - probably because I wasn't pregnant. I am not thinking that this time will be different for some reason just because I haven't had time to think about anything. Baby Dust!!!

Frozen Egg Transfer day!

I honestly can't believe today is the day. We have had so much going on in our lives that we haven't even had time to think about this second cycle beside the shots and patches. We have 4 frosties that were thawed beginning yesterday. We don't know how many survived so we are curious to get there in an hour and find out. Our best case scenario would be that all 4 survived and can be transferred. Last Friday, they checked my estrogen levels and I needed to be above 250 in order for transfer to be today.....I was at 323! Yipee. So far so good.

This time around we are not taking any HPTs during our 2WW. I think we were a little obsessed with the process last time around. I am hoping that with all the things going in our lives, not thinking much about this will be a good thing for us. Be back soon with an update.....

Second time around

We went in for a consultation with the RE a few weeks ago to talk about the last cycle and where we were going from here. Basically, again, we will never know for sure what happened during the first cycle considering that everything looked good up until the Monday before our pregnancy test. We asked about what the timeline looked like if we were to start the frozen cycle immediately. They would start the cycle with my next period and would start with birth control again and then I would be on a Lupron regimen. Three days before transfer, I would begin Progesterone and oil shots - which are now all intramuscular. Ouch. I have read horror stories about the PO shots and I foresee some bruised butt cheeks in my future. If I were to become pregnant, I would have to stay on these shots thru the first trimester. Ouch. Anyway, when we talked about the timeline according to when I should be starting my period, the transfer would have fallen around June 2nd. My sister's wedding is June 4th which wouldn't allow me to have the 2 days of bed rest so that wouldn't work. We didn't want to wait another month to start so we came up with the plan that they could keep me on birth control for 4 weeks instead of 3 which would push the transfer back to the week after the wedding. So now, we are just waiting for my period to start again to determine our process for this next cycle. I should be starting in two days (4/29) according to my Period App. The embryos would be thawed 24 hours before transfer so we won't know how many viable embryos we have to work with until we go in that day. That is a little nerve wrecking. Hopefully we get at least 2 to thaw with the hopes that all 4 make it thru the process. We are hoping that maybe last time my body was just stressed out and didn't allow for a good environment for the embryos to implant. Prepping my body for this cycle is much less intense and less stressful on the body so hopefully that will help. We'll see how it goes. Last try.....

The results are in....

BFN. Well, our biggest fear came true today. After taking my blood they said they would call around 9 or 9:30 with results. I had told them to place the call to Doug because I had a busy day at work and I had an eerie feeling already. Doug didn't get the call until 11:15. My theory was that it came back negative and they reran it to verify the negative result which is why it took twice as long. Yep, sure enough that is exactly what happened. The nurse sounded dumbfounded when having to tell us the results because as most of you remember - we were that "textbook" case. Everything had been perfect through the entire cycle. Until now. I asked her if it was a definitive 'no' and she said yes because they had actually ran a pregnancy test 2 days ago when I went in and "it didn't look good then" and then today it was "nothing at all". Wow. Heartbreaking and disappointing after all we had gone through up to this point. We will never know why it didn't work or what happened which for us is torture. Doug and I are very fact-driven people so the fact that we can't pinpoint an answer is torture to some extent. Sure, there are all of the things that now run through my head like "what if this" or "what if that" but it is over now. I didn't ask Doug about the result for awhile after he got the call. I wasn't quite sure how I would cope with a BFN while at work - especially when I had to facilitate a very important group at work where I needed to be completely mentally present. Well, I finally called and got the official result from him. I kinda knew....I just felt it was a negative. I cried quietly at my desk and eventually went and sat in my car for about 20 minutes while I gathered myself before having to conduct myself emotionally, mentally and professionally. Probably the hardest thing I had to do. Composing myself in that hour and a half was exhausting. One of the women in the group of course was 8 months pregnant and glowing. I couldn't decide if I was jealous, resentful, angry, frustrated or just plain sad. Don't get me wrong, I was still so very happy for her (she is a sweet person) but I couldn't help but think that could have been me. The session went very well and was very productive despite the emotional roller coaster I was strapped into.

I called the nurse back in the afternoon after talking to Doug just to talk about our options moving forward. We still have those 4 frozen embryos that we can transfer as soon as we are ready to try again. This next cycle will not be as intense because they wouldn't have to do a retrieval process again. I will still have to go through a cocktail of medications but it will be a little different this time. We can start as soon as my 2nd period coming up. Essentially, I should be starting my period within a few days and then we will have a consult to talk through the process. When I get my next period, I would officially start the cycle. This would probably put us at a transfer date somewhere at end of May or in June (depending on my periods). Some of you may remember, this was originally when we were going to try our first cycle but had decided to move it up. We have 1 more try because they thaw all 4 eggs hoping to get at least 2 viable embryos after they thaw. IF all 4 happen to make it through the process, they encourage us to transfer all four to increase our chances. That is what we would do if we were able to get 4 thawed. We'll see. All of this is so expensive and somewhat overwhelming when you commit financially and then it fails. Such a range of emotions. It was also very hard to see the disappointment on my daughter's face when the first thing she asks after school is "so, are you pregnant now"? She really wanted this to happen. I knew that there was always the possibility that this could fail but for the past month or so, our families haven't talked about IF I got pregnant but HOW MANY babies will we have.....it wasn't a question for us that this was going to happen. Just a shock really. In some small way, it makes you feel like you let someone down. I don't know who, but someone - maybe that is myself, my husband, the grandparents, the kids. I don't know but someone. Why can't my body do this? We don't have fertility problems! I have had 2 wonderful pregnancies naturally. Why was my body rejecting it now? Am I too old? Lots of random thoughts. I'm tired and just want to get off the roller coaster....

Stay tuned.

HPTs are stupid

So depending on which websites or forums you read, everyone gets different results. Pretty much most people say not to POAS before your first Beta.....yeah right. The 2ww is hard enough. I am 11dp3dt so you would think that I would get even a faint BFP. Well, I got a clear BFN. I am trying not to think too much of it since implantation could be taking longer or my embryos are not secreting enough HCG yet to pick up on HPTs. There are so many variables and that is why technically we shouldn't test before the first beta at 14dp3dt. There are plenty of stories of women taking HPT on the morning of their blood test and getting a BFN all the while getting a positive beta number later that day. Still.....HPTs are stupid. For all intensive purposes - I am still PUPO. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Quick update - 6dp3dt

I saw the RE yesterday for my 8am sono and thankfully I had lost 2.5 lbs of the fluid over the weekend. I was still up in fluid weight but nothing like on Friday. I was feeling much better too except for a little shortness of breath. All was good even though I still have a lot of fluid and my ovaries are rather large! He did say that my estrogen levels on Friday were a lot higher than the day of transfer which could be a good sign for pregnancy. Yeah, I think we will go with that! Hadn't heard about my blood work from yesterday. No news is good news to me.

This morning I started Vivelle Dots which are little oval trans dermal estrogen patches. I place 2 of them on my lower stomach (where I did the shots) and keep them on for 3 days. I place new ones on every third day for 3 rounds which should get me to next wednesday which is D-day: pg test day. At this point, the embies should be implanted if they were going to make their move! I am sooooo inpatient! Since all is good at this point, my next sono isn't until next Monday (2 days before BPT). I haven't been stressed out through this entire process at all. I have had this sense of calm and just a solid confidence that this is going to work, my body is going to accept these babies and I will be pregnant next week (if not right this very moment!). This is so exciting. Plus, I understand that we have 4 really good frosties in the freezer for another 2 rounds if this doesn't work. I don't think we will need them though. I just have a feeling right now.....maybe it's mothers intuition....