BFN. Well, our biggest fear came true today. After taking my blood they said they would call around 9 or 9:30 with results. I had told them to place the call to Doug because I had a busy day at work and I had an eerie feeling already. Doug didn't get the call until 11:15. My theory was that it came back negative and they reran it to verify the negative result which is why it took twice as long. Yep, sure enough that is exactly what happened. The nurse sounded dumbfounded when having to tell us the results because as most of you remember - we were that "textbook" case. Everything had been perfect through the entire cycle. Until now. I asked her if it was a definitive 'no' and she said yes because they had actually ran a pregnancy test 2 days ago when I went in and "it didn't look good then" and then today it was "nothing at all". Wow. Heartbreaking and disappointing after all we had gone through up to this point. We will never know why it didn't work or what happened which for us is torture. Doug and I are very fact-driven people so the fact that we can't pinpoint an answer is torture to some extent. Sure, there are all of the things that now run through my head like "what if this" or "what if that" but it is over now. I didn't ask Doug about the result for awhile after he got the call. I wasn't quite sure how I would cope with a BFN while at work - especially when I had to facilitate a very important group at work where I needed to be completely mentally present. Well, I finally called and got the official result from him. I kinda knew....I just felt it was a negative. I cried quietly at my desk and eventually went and sat in my car for about 20 minutes while I gathered myself before having to conduct myself emotionally, mentally and professionally. Probably the hardest thing I had to do. Composing myself in that hour and a half was exhausting. One of the women in the group of course was 8 months pregnant and glowing. I couldn't decide if I was jealous, resentful, angry, frustrated or just plain sad. Don't get me wrong, I was still so very happy for her (she is a sweet person) but I couldn't help but think that could have been me. The session went very well and was very productive despite the emotional roller coaster I was strapped into.
I called the nurse back in the afternoon after talking to Doug just to talk about our options moving forward. We still have those 4 frozen embryos that we can transfer as soon as we are ready to try again. This next cycle will not be as intense because they wouldn't have to do a retrieval process again. I will still have to go through a cocktail of medications but it will be a little different this time. We can start as soon as my 2nd period coming up. Essentially, I should be starting my period within a few days and then we will have a consult to talk through the process. When I get my next period, I would officially start the cycle. This would probably put us at a transfer date somewhere at end of May or in June (depending on my periods). Some of you may remember, this was originally when we were going to try our first cycle but had decided to move it up. We have 1 more try because they thaw all 4 eggs hoping to get at least 2 viable embryos after they thaw. IF all 4 happen to make it through the process, they encourage us to transfer all four to increase our chances. That is what we would do if we were able to get 4 thawed. We'll see. All of this is so expensive and somewhat overwhelming when you commit financially and then it fails. Such a range of emotions. It was also very hard to see the disappointment on my daughter's face when the first thing she asks after school is "so, are you pregnant now"? She really wanted this to happen. I knew that there was always the possibility that this could fail but for the past month or so, our families haven't talked about IF I got pregnant but HOW MANY babies will we have.....it wasn't a question for us that this was going to happen. Just a shock really. In some small way, it makes you feel like you let someone down. I don't know who, but someone - maybe that is myself, my husband, the grandparents, the kids. I don't know but someone. Why can't my body do this? We don't have fertility problems! I have had 2 wonderful pregnancies naturally. Why was my body rejecting it now? Am I too old? Lots of random thoughts. I'm tired and just want to get off the roller coaster....
Stay tuned.
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